Second Draft of the Script

After reading over the script several time, we as a group decided that we needed to look back over the script and make some of the dialogue clever and more straight forward. One reason for this is because if the dialogue is to long, its going to distract the audiences attention as they wont want to listen to this. After reading over the script we sat down and decided on the parts that needed to be redrafted.

The first part that we decided to look back over was when the female protagonist is in a dark room with an image of Hugo being reflected from a projector onto the wall.

Below is the first part of the script we have decided to edit.

Female in suit

Hugo Grant, the main man, the insider. He's is the one that thinks it all up, the brains. He's is in a class of his own, only does the big raids, never been convicted. It's is a matter of pride, of every fraud investigator in the country, no the world, to get this man behind bars. He has stolen things that you would never believe, The Mona Lisa, The Shrouds of Turin, The Works of Shakespeare, The Leo Diamond and The Scream to name some. Rumours are that this is his last score. We miss him this time, it is game over, no second chances.

He is not about robbing little old ladies out of their pensions. He is the big league. Stealing to order.

Hugo Grant thinks he is cleverer then us, he thinks he has the upper hand, but there is no way he can get away this time. Lets catch him, Lets prove him wrong.

When looking back over this section of the script, I believe that it needs to be more straight forward and to the point. One reason for this is because if we do not cut this bit down its going to be to long for the actual scene and also this is not going to keep the audience interested.  Above I have underlined in red the parts of the script that I believe don't need to be there. However, when taking sections out there is also the opportunity the rephrase some areas which will make it less wordy. In blue and underlined are the parts that could be added in. This section of the script does need editing more, but this is what I first though could be edited. Once we have looked at the script and edited some parts of it we are going to piece it together and see if it is any better to what it was before.